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Hes here. I can feel his breath on me. I just cant see him.

Im blinded by the darkness that has fallen upon this time of year.

Im lost.

No hope. No dream. No life.

THe assumptions of his thoughts and actions on various nights tends to haunt me more as

i look deeper into something that honestly has nothing to offer.

Am i making the same mistake? Will he break my heart again?

And if he does can i take it again. Im strong and Im wise but honestly the love of someones life killing them with the same fucking sword over and over agian over the same wound bleeding and stiching it back up. Is that the right thing to do? Should i be putting myself under this curse. Im already cursed by this word we cant speak of. My secret curses me every day to everytime i sneeze. Im the fucking living and walking curse. Maybe its time to face it that i need to see the world through my eyes and he needs to see pain on his side.

Im not that horrible to show him how much it hurt, the blood that splurt, the wounds i burnt.

Im hopeless

what if

I wish i was saved. The one on the field whose injured and internally bleeding. Thats how i exactly feel right now. Everyone just says "o its just a bruise, you'll be fine," but you know you wont and everything isnt all right. Slowly the energy releases from you. 

Has trust been lost between our lines? I just need a little fix, theres nothing wrong with that. Everyones screws run loose sometimes. But why is it that im always in the shop getting fixed up how they want me to be? It hurts and i dont want this pain anymore. Just want hope to guide me somewhere, where love is true, people are genuine, and life is worth living. No but im trapped here in this hell whole of a place rotting away. No one can hear my highest pitch besides that old dusty peace sing hanging on the wall in my bed room. Thats my only faithful companion  these days. Sad eh?

To many sad stories for people to hear these days. So i write and keep this bloody mask glued on so my identity is safe. One day i will be able to float out to the ocean like my dreams. Loving wont hurt anymore and change cant happen.

What a dream?

true beauty

In my lifetime i have not yet experienced the miracle of true beauty. My thoughts and dreams have fabricated this alluring hope which is very unreal. If i could just grasp the hands of my fantasy maybe people will look at it for what it is.

One who is simple but in a way not accepted. Hands with magic is what i would portray it as. So loyal even if death was the favor he would obligingly (willingly) do it. 

They call him a monster. Hes just a little different, the things he does are not "ethically right" even thought his decisions are based on helping his loved ones. If you say hes a monster then why is it that all he longs is  love. "Have you seen him, his hands are steel," does that give us the right to judge him? When he is being chased by the town with torches he still waits and looks at her like she is the life line. Chaos surrounds around them but still he is frozen looking at her priceless expression. She is confused and frustrated why no one else see's him for who he is. A pure soul lost in a world full of demons. 

You wont change. I know you. Keep toying around and building up this false hope but we both know that when summer ends we will also end. Is this a simple game for you? Im sorry friend but this time i will not fall in your trap. One day i would also want my fairy tale ending. 

You never were this way. I feel like this may be my fault as well. Giving you all and now i dont even get a call. Why such a change? Every-time you come around the weather always changes. When you go its colder in town and your warmth is lingering in the air. I feel your presence but now i excessively question myself about what to do, and say around you. Its not how we used to be. You tricked me. 

not sure

How do you make sure things are going to pan out in the end? How do you exactly know? THings dont seem set at times but i've found that you can never be sure about anything. Even if you think ur so sure, theres nothing supporting you. A color could make sense to every question but logical words have no affect on the mind anymore. A motionless river waiting to flow again like it once used to. Pictures keep getting  easier to see these days, "just because im hurting doesnt mean im hurt", are very true words. Im hurting and will continue to but im not "hurt" anymore. Hard to explain eh? Hope is set into every thought these days. Hope that he will still want me one day. Hope that he still feels what i feel or even if hes thinking about me. False hope can ruin your life but lighten the spirit for a short spand. Is that fair to make yourself feel amazing then drop it like a pin? We may never know. For now i will calm down the afro, laze around, and soak things in as a wall flower would do. 

now

On the fields of fresh forest grass and bags of memories. My eyes opened.